Hi, love,
It's been some time since either of us have posted here, and I credit that as being my fault. I never finished answering questions...
But on that note, I just wanted to tell you that I miss you and think of you often, and hope that you are faring well with all the changes happening.
I just wanted to pose another simple question:
If you had to think of one colour that would symbolize your persona and thoughts, what would it be, and why?
Me... I think Teal. Because 1. It's my favourite colour.
But I think it's also because it's a blend of a very powerful hue (yellow) but with a very liquid, wistful, introspective heaviness to it (blue). It's a soothing colour, one that immediately imbues the wearer or decor with a sense of relief and rest and solace. But it's also an energizing colour when paired with a hot shade (yellows, golds, reds, corals, oranges). It's a very thoughtful, determined colour, that denotes a lot of in depth thought and introspection, which could also show that the person is thoughtful. But then again, it's also got deep hues of deep blue, which could also show sadness. The blues also denote a type of power, because blue blood... but it's down to earth and slightly hopeful because of the bright green and yellow undertones. It's a very complex colour while on the surface being simple. A paradox, if you will.
<3
Mae
14 September 2010
03 June 2010
MaeMae >> Angle: RE: "Do You Remember Your First Kiss?"
I'm answering this pretty separately since I talk too much and everything I'm writing about ends up turning into an essay.
Here goes:
My first kiss...was not necessarily so beautiful it bared remembrance. I felt like I was a late bloomer when I was a kid. Everyone was kissing in like 5th and 6th grade, so I lied to all my best friends when I was in sixth grade that I had kissed a boy I had a total crush on. I made it this salacious, torrid affair, when in truth, I was scared of kissing boys because I knew I was awkward, skinny, and unstylish, and terribly unpopular in my elementary school.
This guy was totally awesome by my childhood reckoning. Definitely cream of the crop. I mean, he wore baggy Dickies brand pants, baggy tattered sweatshirts, Puma shoes (before they got super mainstream), he could break dance. Ahhh, he was so hip-hop, so gangsta. This guy was popular and white. Even back then, my twelve year old self quivered in the nether regions--or at least I thought I did--whenever I thought about him looking my way.
He knew I existed; we were in the same class. He was nice enough to me, but he didn't, say, go out of his way to strike up conversations with me or anything. Or look my way, or act all chivalrous or anything. In fact, unless we were all talking in a lively conversation in class, he pretty much treated me like a text book. It's there, it's got all this knowledge, but you don't engage with it unless you really have to. It's furniture. It's just... there.
Oh man, I totally wanted him.
Anyway, so I lied that I kissed him to my best friend two and a half years younger who supposedly had already kissed someone, even though bitch was only ten. And that lie sustained my social development and standing until my first real kiss when I was fifteen or sixteen.
The kiss was uglier than an awkward TV kiss they dramatize on TV. The bumbling, fumbling, misplaced, slobbery meeting of two fifteen-sixteen year old lips that can't find the proper fit or figure out the right amount of tongue to probe the depths of the other's mouth. It was horrific in retrospect. At the time, it was wet but exhilarating. But it was less of a first "kiss" than a total slobber-fest make out session on a couch with elbow-in-the-face, knee-to-the-thigh, misplaced-hands grinding on my couch. I could feel buzzing in my stomach, buzzing in my hoo-ha, buzzing in my ears, buzzing in my head, tingling on my lips (after I wiped them down with the back of my hand).
I think most of what thrilled me wasn't the fact that I was a horny teenager and there was a really cute guy writhing on top of me, wrinkling the cornflower blue sofa cover out of it's meticulously tucked place. If my mum knew what was going on and why the couch was so perturbed when she saw it when she came home, she would've kicked me out of the house (they are very religious/conservative/repressive parents--basically very Christian and very Asian), or at least grounded me until I went off to college. Anyway! I think what was the most loin-exciting thing, besides the pure physicality of what was going on in my living room, was that I didn't have to live a lie anymore about being a kissing virgin. I mean, who has their first kiss in 11th grade? What kind of loser doesn't get kissed before upperclassman-ship? I was social poison, if my lie were to surface. I mean, I wasn't a total dork in High School, and I didn't have volcanic eruptive acne on my face, but I could be socially lost if anyone discovered that I wasn't truly first-kissed in elementary school like I'd claimed.
Of course I know now that nobody would've given a flying fuck whether I'd been kissed in sixth grade or not. I mean, my best friend a full two years behind me in school probably would've given a shit that I'd lied to her, but that's probably about it.
Kids are so dumb sometimes.
I don't remember his name, come to think of it. I do remember he and I were avid pals on AOL IM and in San Diego based Asian chat rooms, and he wore goggles around his neck in his avatar, but other than that, his name totally escapes me. Henry? Dan? He was Vietnamese with a totally traditional "white boy" name. He drove a riced out Honda Civic.
And I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think he and I ended up being friends too much longer after our adventures in teen hormones in my family room that one Saturday night.
We both thought that making an appointment to make out via AOL instant message was romantic and mature. Hello, totally grown up. So digital. So Twenty-first Century. I told all my friend who were going ice skating that night that I was sick, and he planned to come over, then we'd go to Taco Bell, pick up some burritos and hit up Blockbuster for the latest action flick, go back home to my house and "hang out."
Let me tell you, burrito breath makes for pretty sexy make out sessions. I kid you. We barely ate, because I was too nervous. I sat there picking lint off that cornflower blue sofa cover while explosions erupted and blasted from the entertainment system. He sat there picking at his burrito, issuing an occasional muffled laugh at the movie. I don't remember which movie it was.
Somehow, by the middle of the movie, he had migrated from his end of the couch to mine, and started playing with my ears. Then everything in between that and me nibbling his ear, and him straddling me, agressively necking me pretty much is a blur. We teleported from stage 1 to stage 12 as far as first kisses go. Did it last fifteen minutes? Did it last the rest of the movie? Did we ever finish eating those burritos and then torture each other with awkward conversation and burrito breath?
Oh boy, I can't remember. The rest of the night and the movie were totally memory-makers...Obviously as memorable as the boy's name. The stuff dreams are made of.
What I do remember, however, is that my second kiss also happened that night: a short, sweet kiss goodbye we shared before he drove off into the orange street-light illuminated night.
Here goes:
My first kiss...was not necessarily so beautiful it bared remembrance. I felt like I was a late bloomer when I was a kid. Everyone was kissing in like 5th and 6th grade, so I lied to all my best friends when I was in sixth grade that I had kissed a boy I had a total crush on. I made it this salacious, torrid affair, when in truth, I was scared of kissing boys because I knew I was awkward, skinny, and unstylish, and terribly unpopular in my elementary school.
This guy was totally awesome by my childhood reckoning. Definitely cream of the crop. I mean, he wore baggy Dickies brand pants, baggy tattered sweatshirts, Puma shoes (before they got super mainstream), he could break dance. Ahhh, he was so hip-hop, so gangsta. This guy was popular and white. Even back then, my twelve year old self quivered in the nether regions--or at least I thought I did--whenever I thought about him looking my way.
He knew I existed; we were in the same class. He was nice enough to me, but he didn't, say, go out of his way to strike up conversations with me or anything. Or look my way, or act all chivalrous or anything. In fact, unless we were all talking in a lively conversation in class, he pretty much treated me like a text book. It's there, it's got all this knowledge, but you don't engage with it unless you really have to. It's furniture. It's just... there.
Oh man, I totally wanted him.
Anyway, so I lied that I kissed him to my best friend two and a half years younger who supposedly had already kissed someone, even though bitch was only ten. And that lie sustained my social development and standing until my first real kiss when I was fifteen or sixteen.
The kiss was uglier than an awkward TV kiss they dramatize on TV. The bumbling, fumbling, misplaced, slobbery meeting of two fifteen-sixteen year old lips that can't find the proper fit or figure out the right amount of tongue to probe the depths of the other's mouth. It was horrific in retrospect. At the time, it was wet but exhilarating. But it was less of a first "kiss" than a total slobber-fest make out session on a couch with elbow-in-the-face, knee-to-the-thigh, misplaced-hands grinding on my couch. I could feel buzzing in my stomach, buzzing in my hoo-ha, buzzing in my ears, buzzing in my head, tingling on my lips (after I wiped them down with the back of my hand).
I think most of what thrilled me wasn't the fact that I was a horny teenager and there was a really cute guy writhing on top of me, wrinkling the cornflower blue sofa cover out of it's meticulously tucked place. If my mum knew what was going on and why the couch was so perturbed when she saw it when she came home, she would've kicked me out of the house (they are very religious/conservative/repressive parents--basically very Christian and very Asian), or at least grounded me until I went off to college. Anyway! I think what was the most loin-exciting thing, besides the pure physicality of what was going on in my living room, was that I didn't have to live a lie anymore about being a kissing virgin. I mean, who has their first kiss in 11th grade? What kind of loser doesn't get kissed before upperclassman-ship? I was social poison, if my lie were to surface. I mean, I wasn't a total dork in High School, and I didn't have volcanic eruptive acne on my face, but I could be socially lost if anyone discovered that I wasn't truly first-kissed in elementary school like I'd claimed.
Of course I know now that nobody would've given a flying fuck whether I'd been kissed in sixth grade or not. I mean, my best friend a full two years behind me in school probably would've given a shit that I'd lied to her, but that's probably about it.
Kids are so dumb sometimes.
I don't remember his name, come to think of it. I do remember he and I were avid pals on AOL IM and in San Diego based Asian chat rooms, and he wore goggles around his neck in his avatar, but other than that, his name totally escapes me. Henry? Dan? He was Vietnamese with a totally traditional "white boy" name. He drove a riced out Honda Civic.
And I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think he and I ended up being friends too much longer after our adventures in teen hormones in my family room that one Saturday night.
We both thought that making an appointment to make out via AOL instant message was romantic and mature. Hello, totally grown up. So digital. So Twenty-first Century. I told all my friend who were going ice skating that night that I was sick, and he planned to come over, then we'd go to Taco Bell, pick up some burritos and hit up Blockbuster for the latest action flick, go back home to my house and "hang out."
Let me tell you, burrito breath makes for pretty sexy make out sessions. I kid you. We barely ate, because I was too nervous. I sat there picking lint off that cornflower blue sofa cover while explosions erupted and blasted from the entertainment system. He sat there picking at his burrito, issuing an occasional muffled laugh at the movie. I don't remember which movie it was.
Somehow, by the middle of the movie, he had migrated from his end of the couch to mine, and started playing with my ears. Then everything in between that and me nibbling his ear, and him straddling me, agressively necking me pretty much is a blur. We teleported from stage 1 to stage 12 as far as first kisses go. Did it last fifteen minutes? Did it last the rest of the movie? Did we ever finish eating those burritos and then torture each other with awkward conversation and burrito breath?
Oh boy, I can't remember. The rest of the night and the movie were totally memory-makers...Obviously as memorable as the boy's name. The stuff dreams are made of.
What I do remember, however, is that my second kiss also happened that night: a short, sweet kiss goodbye we shared before he drove off into the orange street-light illuminated night.
03 May 2010
aaah!! YOUR TURN!
So... of course you need to answer the questions you asked me which are:
and then I should ask two big quesions....
OK! GO!!!
- Do you remember your first kiss? what do you remember about it?
- What's the most unusual thing you snack on?
- If you could change places with anyone, who would it be?
- What is your favourite videogame, and why?
and then I should ask two big quesions....
- What would your ideal life look like?
- What steps do you think you need to make in order to get there?
OK! GO!!!
22 April 2010
Angle -> Mae...
Phew... I almost want to skip the first questions and bolt right over to the serious ones.
1. My first kiss. HeCK YES I remember!! My first "real" kiss was in the 6th grade (I'm sure I had some kind of kiss when I was a lot younger... but nothing that leaves a mark). For some reason the most popular boy in school had asked me to "go steady" - it didn't make any sense to me at the time. Sure, I hung out with the popular crowd (by default really, I was never truly accepted) but previous to me he had been dating the most beautiful and popular girl in school. I wasn't about to turn him down so of course I accepted to be his girlfriend. On our first day as boyfriend and girlfriend we went to the park after school. I lived in a small town, the park was a popular place for teenaged groping and central to where everyone lived. We went behind a tree and ... he went in for a kiss. I can tell you now that what I felt was total TERROR!! I had never kissed anyone let alone had a boyfriend. Plus there was so much pressure to be "good" at kissing considering my partner was the cutest and most popular boy our age in town. Not only did he want to kiss but he wanted to FRENCH!! I had been informed that Lance (his name) had dated an "older girl" the summer before and she taught him how to kiss "right". Oh goodness... the horror of it all. I did my best ... but didn't enjoy even a single moment of it because I was so nervous. Like most romances at that age I think we went steady for maybe two weeks? Then had a very dramatic public break-up.
2. Unusual snacks?? Hmmm... I sometimes think I eat like a bachelor. If I'm hungry I'll just grab something out of the fridge, slap it together and call it a meal. Last night I pulled out a jar of pickles and went to town while cooking my actual dinner. The day before that I microwaved a corn tortilla with a slice of cheese and then rolled it up and snacked while doing things around the house. I don't think these things are unusual ... more like lazy!
3. Wow... change places. I have worked really hard to get to a place where I don't think about things like this. I grew up in a very rough environment. My parents were divorced and often neither of them was around for different reasons. I grew up spending a lot of time by myself which lead me to be pretty socially awkward growing up. Add all that to the fact that growing up I was also made fun of quite a bit by boys for being "ugly" or my favorite a "dog". This probably seems to contradict my earlier story about dating a popular boy in the 6th grade... but like I said... EVEN I wasn't sure back then what that was really about. I've always suffered from a pretty good case of low self-esteem as well... which meant that all my life I wanted to be someone else!! In the past couple of years (with the help of therapy) I have been working on liking and hopefully loving myself as I am. If I'm being honest with you here I will admit that I have a lot of fantasies about switching places with someone rich. I don't have a specific person in mind. But for as long as I can remember I have been poor. I've worked very hard to get to a place where I can comfortably support myself but I know I will never be exceptionally wealthy.
4. Favorite video game!! Ok. Well, I LOVE to watch video games but I can't seem to play them myself. I don't have the reflexes! My favorite game to watch last year was BioShock! So scary and fun!! I pretty like anything that is horror related with pretty graphics. I'm NOT a fan of war type games. There is no story there and often I get really bored and wonder off to nap or read. I was excited to see that BioShock2 is out... but since my boyfriend is in school he doesn't have time to play ANY games. Poo...
Oh-kay... now the big ones!!
First serious question:
Are you happy?
Am I happy?
That one kinda smacked me in the face... mostly because I've been thinking about it a lot. By nature I tend to be someone that can only see where I'm failing vs. where I'm succeeding. For all of my late-teens to mid to late twenties I was so scared of failing in terms of my career. Mostly I was afraid I would never have one.
I didn't grow up with much of a scholastic drive. I was more concerned with growing up so I could get away from my family life. School and education felt like something I HAD to do ... but I wasn't good at it. I tried college twice and both times decided I was better off working full time vs. working part time and going to school part time (which felt like a never ending road to nowhere). Back then I would think about my future and it just looked like a black hole... I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. That lack of knowing or how to get there scared the hell out of me! I didn't want to end up being a waitress for my whole life like my mom. So... I did things one day at a time... one step at a time. Sort of like feeling around in the dark for clues... and letting the fear drive me forward. Because I didn't do well in school I knew I would have to work my way up from the bottom no matter where I went. I think this sort of mentality is what helped me in my 20's and what can eventually hurt others in the same position. I've met a lot of kids that think they're too good to start small and work their way up.
Now that I have a job that I love and am proud of I feel my attention turned toward what the next step in my future is. I'm taking a good hard look at what is lacking in my life. What I saw was that I wanted to settle down and start a family of my own. Before I could do that I asked myself what things I needed to change in order to put my best foot forward on the next leg of my journey.
Even though we both have our faults and have A LOT of personal work to do, I really really feel an emptiness in terms of the lack of moving forward towards marriage and family. I want to work on these things with my boyfriend and set goals for our future together.... or.... we have to move on from this relationship.
So... phew. Am I happy? The answer is ... sometimes? That's a total cop-out. I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!
Acutally, Mae... your asking me this question really really made me think. I haven't answered this blog yest because I've been working myself up for... what's next and MAKING MY OWN happiness!! Believe it or not I told my boyfriend that we need to sit down and talk about our future together (if there is one). Really fucking scary. Could be that this conversation ends the relationship OR it finally puts my mind at ease knowing that WE ARE moving forward. If it doesn't work out ... well then.... I know.
Mae - I know you're frustrated with your work situation. All I can say is "this too shall pass"! You and your husband are working hard to reach your goal of moving to Hawaii... yes... it sucks right now. But you will MAKE IT HAPPEN! I honestly hope that you guys won't let his family keep you in a city where neither of you are happy. You're right... it's so selfish! The only thing I've learned in this life is that you really have to TAKE RISKS to move forward sometimes.
Second serious question:
Do you ever get annoyed by people who criticise your clothing?
I had to tell my co-worker the story about your shoes!! That's too much!!!
Yes!! I do get annoyed when people try to give me advice or critique my outfit. I can't think of the last time anyone said something rude TO MY FACE!! There was one time where a critique woke me up from an outfit slump. My co-worker made a comment something like, "Angel is wearing her signature outfit! Vintage top, jeans, boots." - He was RIGHT!!! I hated him for saying it, but it did force me to shake it up.
Phew... now I have to clear my head and post some questions for you!!
xoxxooxoxangel
- Do you remember your first kiss? what do you remember about it?
- What's the most unusual thing you snack on?
- If you could change places with anyone, who would it be?
- What is your favourite videogame, and why?
1. My first kiss. HeCK YES I remember!! My first "real" kiss was in the 6th grade (I'm sure I had some kind of kiss when I was a lot younger... but nothing that leaves a mark). For some reason the most popular boy in school had asked me to "go steady" - it didn't make any sense to me at the time. Sure, I hung out with the popular crowd (by default really, I was never truly accepted) but previous to me he had been dating the most beautiful and popular girl in school. I wasn't about to turn him down so of course I accepted to be his girlfriend. On our first day as boyfriend and girlfriend we went to the park after school. I lived in a small town, the park was a popular place for teenaged groping and central to where everyone lived. We went behind a tree and ... he went in for a kiss. I can tell you now that what I felt was total TERROR!! I had never kissed anyone let alone had a boyfriend. Plus there was so much pressure to be "good" at kissing considering my partner was the cutest and most popular boy our age in town. Not only did he want to kiss but he wanted to FRENCH!! I had been informed that Lance (his name) had dated an "older girl" the summer before and she taught him how to kiss "right". Oh goodness... the horror of it all. I did my best ... but didn't enjoy even a single moment of it because I was so nervous. Like most romances at that age I think we went steady for maybe two weeks? Then had a very dramatic public break-up.
2. Unusual snacks?? Hmmm... I sometimes think I eat like a bachelor. If I'm hungry I'll just grab something out of the fridge, slap it together and call it a meal. Last night I pulled out a jar of pickles and went to town while cooking my actual dinner. The day before that I microwaved a corn tortilla with a slice of cheese and then rolled it up and snacked while doing things around the house. I don't think these things are unusual ... more like lazy!
3. Wow... change places. I have worked really hard to get to a place where I don't think about things like this. I grew up in a very rough environment. My parents were divorced and often neither of them was around for different reasons. I grew up spending a lot of time by myself which lead me to be pretty socially awkward growing up. Add all that to the fact that growing up I was also made fun of quite a bit by boys for being "ugly" or my favorite a "dog". This probably seems to contradict my earlier story about dating a popular boy in the 6th grade... but like I said... EVEN I wasn't sure back then what that was really about. I've always suffered from a pretty good case of low self-esteem as well... which meant that all my life I wanted to be someone else!! In the past couple of years (with the help of therapy) I have been working on liking and hopefully loving myself as I am. If I'm being honest with you here I will admit that I have a lot of fantasies about switching places with someone rich. I don't have a specific person in mind. But for as long as I can remember I have been poor. I've worked very hard to get to a place where I can comfortably support myself but I know I will never be exceptionally wealthy.
4. Favorite video game!! Ok. Well, I LOVE to watch video games but I can't seem to play them myself. I don't have the reflexes! My favorite game to watch last year was BioShock! So scary and fun!! I pretty like anything that is horror related with pretty graphics. I'm NOT a fan of war type games. There is no story there and often I get really bored and wonder off to nap or read. I was excited to see that BioShock2 is out... but since my boyfriend is in school he doesn't have time to play ANY games. Poo...
Oh-kay... now the big ones!!
First serious question:
Are you happy?
Am I happy?
That one kinda smacked me in the face... mostly because I've been thinking about it a lot. By nature I tend to be someone that can only see where I'm failing vs. where I'm succeeding. For all of my late-teens to mid to late twenties I was so scared of failing in terms of my career. Mostly I was afraid I would never have one.
I didn't grow up with much of a scholastic drive. I was more concerned with growing up so I could get away from my family life. School and education felt like something I HAD to do ... but I wasn't good at it. I tried college twice and both times decided I was better off working full time vs. working part time and going to school part time (which felt like a never ending road to nowhere). Back then I would think about my future and it just looked like a black hole... I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. That lack of knowing or how to get there scared the hell out of me! I didn't want to end up being a waitress for my whole life like my mom. So... I did things one day at a time... one step at a time. Sort of like feeling around in the dark for clues... and letting the fear drive me forward. Because I didn't do well in school I knew I would have to work my way up from the bottom no matter where I went. I think this sort of mentality is what helped me in my 20's and what can eventually hurt others in the same position. I've met a lot of kids that think they're too good to start small and work their way up.
Now that I have a job that I love and am proud of I feel my attention turned toward what the next step in my future is. I'm taking a good hard look at what is lacking in my life. What I saw was that I wanted to settle down and start a family of my own. Before I could do that I asked myself what things I needed to change in order to put my best foot forward on the next leg of my journey.
- Fix my credit - I ruined my credit with some help from my family. In my youth I didn't get how important a good credit score really is!!! So scary!!
- Get in shape, build physical strength - I've never been fit... EVER!! I'm ermm.... low energy? Ok, fine.... I'm LAZY!!!
- Built emotional and mental strength - I struggle with codependency and depression... good times.
- SAVE MONEY!!! - save save save!! have a rainy day fund NOT STUFF!!! This has been hard for me.
Even though we both have our faults and have A LOT of personal work to do, I really really feel an emptiness in terms of the lack of moving forward towards marriage and family. I want to work on these things with my boyfriend and set goals for our future together.... or.... we have to move on from this relationship.
So... phew. Am I happy? The answer is ... sometimes? That's a total cop-out. I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!
Acutally, Mae... your asking me this question really really made me think. I haven't answered this blog yest because I've been working myself up for... what's next and MAKING MY OWN happiness!! Believe it or not I told my boyfriend that we need to sit down and talk about our future together (if there is one). Really fucking scary. Could be that this conversation ends the relationship OR it finally puts my mind at ease knowing that WE ARE moving forward. If it doesn't work out ... well then.... I know.
In the wise words of GI Joe ... "knowing is half the battle."
Mae - I know you're frustrated with your work situation. All I can say is "this too shall pass"! You and your husband are working hard to reach your goal of moving to Hawaii... yes... it sucks right now. But you will MAKE IT HAPPEN! I honestly hope that you guys won't let his family keep you in a city where neither of you are happy. You're right... it's so selfish! The only thing I've learned in this life is that you really have to TAKE RISKS to move forward sometimes.
Second serious question:
Do you ever get annoyed by people who criticise your clothing?
I had to tell my co-worker the story about your shoes!! That's too much!!!
Yes!! I do get annoyed when people try to give me advice or critique my outfit. I can't think of the last time anyone said something rude TO MY FACE!! There was one time where a critique woke me up from an outfit slump. My co-worker made a comment something like, "Angel is wearing her signature outfit! Vintage top, jeans, boots." - He was RIGHT!!! I hated him for saying it, but it did force me to shake it up.
Phew... now I have to clear my head and post some questions for you!!
xoxxooxoxangel
16 April 2010
MaeMae -> Angle
I'm having a super bad day. All I can think of is going home. So I only have one question for you, and you can be as honest or as vague as you want. Because honestly, I ask this question of myself, and I feel like I could go on and on about it.
But let's get the casual ones out of the way:
Serious side:
Are you happy?
The reason I ask is because, well, I feel like there is so much wrong with me right now, which is weird, because my entire life outside of my job is great. But when I'm here, I'm immensely unhappy. It's like this stupid place I am for 9 hours of my day manages to skew and make the rest of my life feel so awry, so wrought with pain and wrongness. I hate it here, A, I really do. I hate everything about this place. I feel like it sucks my soul.
And I'm stuck in the state with the worst unemployment rate, so I'm not likely to find a job in an industry I want that pays well enough for me to stay afloat. Ironically, the measly wages I'm earning seem to be considered pretty good for Michigan, which makes me even more miserable about this god-forsaken, but beautiful state.
I mean, I like it here enough, but sometimes there are just so many things about living here (not the place, or the people or the FOOD) that make me want to get up and leave. I feel trapped. And naturally, I project onto my surroundings. But the job and education market here are fucking awful, and what woman in her right mind would believe that those lack of positive markets for shaping young minds would be a good environment to bring a family up in, even if her in-laws are here?
That's another thing, I've been away from my family and best friends for five years, and I hardly ever see them in a year. If I'm lucky, I get to see my best friend maybe once or twice every two years? It's hardly fair. And every time I see my parents I miss them more and more. I understand parents being jealous parents, like God/Universe is a "jealous God", and they want their children and potential grand children to be around them all the time, but that's hardly fair, and completely selfish, which then guilts my husband and I. How is that fair? You want to tell us not to move away and limit our goals and dreams because you want us around you all the time? And what about my parents? Sure, they're used to me being away, but the older and older I get, the more I want to be around them, and lately my heart has been hurting for my best friends and my family.
So you're going to tell us not to move to NY where there is a great opportunity because it's "too far away"? Ugh. We eventually came to the conclusion that moving to NY wasn't as great an opportunity anyway, and we stayed here in MI, but still, your first instinct is to tell us not to leave primarily not because it wasn't a wise decision, but because the distance was to great? The job was only a second issue? It made me mad. I can understand it--we're your kids, but still, it's hardly a selfless kind of loving instinct.
I love my in-law family. They love us so much they want us to be around them all the time. But that's not always the best for us. And I wish they will learn that sooner than later. We would like to move to Honolulu by our two year anniversary next year (August). I mean, their parents left their respective homes: N's grandmother is from England, his grandfather is from Canada, and they both left those homes to make a new life in the New World. Think about what wouldn't have happened had they not left their childhood homes? N wouldn't have been born. And N's other grandmother migrated here from the Philippines. N's father wouldn't have been born here and met N's mum.
None of this family would have happened, and I'd probably be still some some politically, ecologically, emotionally, socially apathetic Southern California twat, because That Man didn't come puncture my little bubble and wake me up from my mental fog. I may still be that geographically limited person, never having set foot farther east of Las Vegas, farther west of LA and such. I would never have gone to Europe because I had the most romantic man to help make a trip like that happen for me, or even inspire me to go there. I never would've been to Hawaii without the help of my parents, which means, when I traveled there, it would've been with my family, which would have dramatically affected how much I loved the place. (Traveling in the same vehicle and staying in the same lodging as they drives me absolutely mad--in more ways than one!) I wouldn't have been as motivated to finish college as I did (9 years!), or start paying my bills. I wouldn't have learned to care for another living creature (my dog), because I had no idea that dogs could have souls, and I wouldn't have learned it if I didn't see the example N set for treating and communicating with dogs...
This is all moot to philosophize, but I guess I was just trying to get a point across.
I'm ranting.
Second serious question:
Do you ever get annoyed by people who criticise your clothing?
I waved and smiled at someone today who was walking toward me, and I asked her, "How are you doing?"
And then she looked me up and down, and then said, full of bile, "Those are ridiculous shoes! How do you walk in those things!", and continued walking away.
"They're not ridiculous. They're awesome." And I walked away confidently.
I am wearing my Dolce Vita Aprils.
First of all, my shoes are fucking brilliant, and you're ugly. Which, of course, I didn't say. But it's like, what room do you have to be all fucking spiteful at me when I said a cheerful hello at you, and asked you how are you, and then you criticise my shoes when you look like you flew here on a broom from a Moroccan garage sale where you got all your crappy clothes and forgot to buy a hair brush. That's just not right.
Even if you're going through something, the rules of social interaction stipulate that you return a courtesy greeting if you're not super good friends. The normal verbal volleyball of "Hello, how are you", "Fine, thanks, and you?". That is social convention. I didn't ask you how your day is going and then invite you to cry on my shoulder. Because I like to keep my shoulder clean.
But if I'm going to be nice, the least you can fucking do is fake being nice back.
Now I'm not going to be nice anymore. I've had a bad day, and if you're a bitch, I won't hold back.
Okay, I'm sorry. I just had to get that out.
But let's get the casual ones out of the way:
- Do you remember your first kiss? what do you remember about it?
- What's the most unusual thing you snack on?
- If you could change places with anyone, who would it be?
- What is your favourite videogame, and why?
Serious side:
Are you happy?
The reason I ask is because, well, I feel like there is so much wrong with me right now, which is weird, because my entire life outside of my job is great. But when I'm here, I'm immensely unhappy. It's like this stupid place I am for 9 hours of my day manages to skew and make the rest of my life feel so awry, so wrought with pain and wrongness. I hate it here, A, I really do. I hate everything about this place. I feel like it sucks my soul.
And I'm stuck in the state with the worst unemployment rate, so I'm not likely to find a job in an industry I want that pays well enough for me to stay afloat. Ironically, the measly wages I'm earning seem to be considered pretty good for Michigan, which makes me even more miserable about this god-forsaken, but beautiful state.
I mean, I like it here enough, but sometimes there are just so many things about living here (not the place, or the people or the FOOD) that make me want to get up and leave. I feel trapped. And naturally, I project onto my surroundings. But the job and education market here are fucking awful, and what woman in her right mind would believe that those lack of positive markets for shaping young minds would be a good environment to bring a family up in, even if her in-laws are here?
That's another thing, I've been away from my family and best friends for five years, and I hardly ever see them in a year. If I'm lucky, I get to see my best friend maybe once or twice every two years? It's hardly fair. And every time I see my parents I miss them more and more. I understand parents being jealous parents, like God/Universe is a "jealous God", and they want their children and potential grand children to be around them all the time, but that's hardly fair, and completely selfish, which then guilts my husband and I. How is that fair? You want to tell us not to move away and limit our goals and dreams because you want us around you all the time? And what about my parents? Sure, they're used to me being away, but the older and older I get, the more I want to be around them, and lately my heart has been hurting for my best friends and my family.
So you're going to tell us not to move to NY where there is a great opportunity because it's "too far away"? Ugh. We eventually came to the conclusion that moving to NY wasn't as great an opportunity anyway, and we stayed here in MI, but still, your first instinct is to tell us not to leave primarily not because it wasn't a wise decision, but because the distance was to great? The job was only a second issue? It made me mad. I can understand it--we're your kids, but still, it's hardly a selfless kind of loving instinct.
I love my in-law family. They love us so much they want us to be around them all the time. But that's not always the best for us. And I wish they will learn that sooner than later. We would like to move to Honolulu by our two year anniversary next year (August). I mean, their parents left their respective homes: N's grandmother is from England, his grandfather is from Canada, and they both left those homes to make a new life in the New World. Think about what wouldn't have happened had they not left their childhood homes? N wouldn't have been born. And N's other grandmother migrated here from the Philippines. N's father wouldn't have been born here and met N's mum.
None of this family would have happened, and I'd probably be still some some politically, ecologically, emotionally, socially apathetic Southern California twat, because That Man didn't come puncture my little bubble and wake me up from my mental fog. I may still be that geographically limited person, never having set foot farther east of Las Vegas, farther west of LA and such. I would never have gone to Europe because I had the most romantic man to help make a trip like that happen for me, or even inspire me to go there. I never would've been to Hawaii without the help of my parents, which means, when I traveled there, it would've been with my family, which would have dramatically affected how much I loved the place. (Traveling in the same vehicle and staying in the same lodging as they drives me absolutely mad--in more ways than one!) I wouldn't have been as motivated to finish college as I did (9 years!), or start paying my bills. I wouldn't have learned to care for another living creature (my dog), because I had no idea that dogs could have souls, and I wouldn't have learned it if I didn't see the example N set for treating and communicating with dogs...
This is all moot to philosophize, but I guess I was just trying to get a point across.
I'm ranting.
Second serious question:
Do you ever get annoyed by people who criticise your clothing?
I waved and smiled at someone today who was walking toward me, and I asked her, "How are you doing?"
And then she looked me up and down, and then said, full of bile, "Those are ridiculous shoes! How do you walk in those things!", and continued walking away.
"They're not ridiculous. They're awesome." And I walked away confidently.
I am wearing my Dolce Vita Aprils.
First of all, my shoes are fucking brilliant, and you're ugly. Which, of course, I didn't say. But it's like, what room do you have to be all fucking spiteful at me when I said a cheerful hello at you, and asked you how are you, and then you criticise my shoes when you look like you flew here on a broom from a Moroccan garage sale where you got all your crappy clothes and forgot to buy a hair brush. That's just not right.
Even if you're going through something, the rules of social interaction stipulate that you return a courtesy greeting if you're not super good friends. The normal verbal volleyball of "Hello, how are you", "Fine, thanks, and you?". That is social convention. I didn't ask you how your day is going and then invite you to cry on my shoulder. Because I like to keep my shoulder clean.
But if I'm going to be nice, the least you can fucking do is fake being nice back.
Now I'm not going to be nice anymore. I've had a bad day, and if you're a bitch, I won't hold back.
Okay, I'm sorry. I just had to get that out.
12 April 2010
Mae -> Angle
Mae asks Angle:
1. Hmmm.... ok. Well, I first started blogging back in the day of Live Journal. I went there to talk about anything and everything I was thinking. It was an online diary that was open to whatever stranger found her (or on the rare occasion his) way in. Live Journal was usually anonymous and in my case it was 99% done in secrecy. Only one or two real life friends (girls I trusted) knew where I wrote. For me it was cathartic to write all my innermost feelings and just put it out there into the big black void that is the internet. And if I was lucky a kind stranger would leave some comments of support or suggestions. I really loved having that place to turn to. One day I logged onto LJ and my blog had been wiped out. Apparently this happened to a lot of people in the community. I was sent an email informing me that IT was working to recover the lost blogs... but for whatever reason I was over it. I took it as a sign to move on.
Flash forward to maybe a couple of years ago? I discovered my first "fashion blog" or as I like to call it MY FALL FROM PRODUCTIVITY! It was all down hill from there. One blog leads you to look at another and soon I had a whole laundry list of girls I was reading every morning with my cup of coffee. One day I was reading a blog about a new online fashion community that was still in a Beta testing phase called "Chictopia" - for fun I requested to become a member and next thing I knew I was posting outfits! At first it was super stressful! The pressure!! To wear an outfit that all these girls will approve of!! For a long time none of my outfits were receiving any kind of applause until I hit a point and thought, "why do I care what a bunch of strangers think? just wear what you like..." - once that happened I noticed that people were responding more to what I was wearing. Which of course was GREAT! Who doesn't like attention? It was at that point that I decided that maybe I was too old for Chictopia. I asked myself "what do I want to accomplish here?" by blogging outfits (which is pretty silly when I think about it). Ultimately I wanted to use it as a tool to evolve my personal style. I wanted a place where I could document daily and then look back over time and evaluate.. or judge or whatever how I was dressing and see where I could improve, what worked, what didn't work... blah blah. I'm feeling a new level of frustration with my blog... and I think with "style" in general.
2. My favorite thing to do (on a sunny day) is to get a coffee and walk around Haight St or Union Sq. Clearly I LOVE clothes and being able to pop in and out of shops while people watching is my absolute favorite thing. On a rainy day I love to get under some blankets, pig out on Thai food and ice-cream, and watch movies aaaallllll day loooooong. Bonus points of my boyfriend will hold still long enough to cuddle with me.
3. Favorite guilty pleasure... dressing up just to prance around the house!! Maybe eat ice-cream in a party dress, or put on fancy heels to do the dishes. Why not?
4. ZOMBIES!!! BWAIIINNNSSS!!! I used to spend long periods of time talking with one of my best friends about what we would do should the undead start to take over. Haha!! Soooo, basically I would find a way to block off the stairs on both sides of my house. Luckily we live on the second floor. If something should have happened to my upstairs neighbor I would secure that location as well. Fill all the sinks, tubs, & large buckets and mixing bowls with WATER! Luckily I love across the street from a large grocery store AND a corner store. After securing the house we'd have to make weapons (lots of tools in the garage). Next run to the corner store and secure as much food as possible! The corner store is closer than the grocery store... safer bet. We could travel by roof top (best to avoid the streets).
5. My favorite meal to make is Black Beans & Tempeh!! One of my best friends taught me how to make it. It's Vegan and SUPER healthy... on top of that it's super tasty!!! Recipe can be found HERE!!
Your turn!!!
- What first attracted you to the blogging world? Why did you start blogging?
- If you had a day to yourself and you could do anything at all w/o feeling guilty or like you were shirking responsibilities what would you do?
- Favorite guilty pleasure?
- Zombies are taking over the world! What do you do?
- Favorite meal to cook? Can you share the recipe?
1. Hmmm.... ok. Well, I first started blogging back in the day of Live Journal. I went there to talk about anything and everything I was thinking. It was an online diary that was open to whatever stranger found her (or on the rare occasion his) way in. Live Journal was usually anonymous and in my case it was 99% done in secrecy. Only one or two real life friends (girls I trusted) knew where I wrote. For me it was cathartic to write all my innermost feelings and just put it out there into the big black void that is the internet. And if I was lucky a kind stranger would leave some comments of support or suggestions. I really loved having that place to turn to. One day I logged onto LJ and my blog had been wiped out. Apparently this happened to a lot of people in the community. I was sent an email informing me that IT was working to recover the lost blogs... but for whatever reason I was over it. I took it as a sign to move on.
Flash forward to maybe a couple of years ago? I discovered my first "fashion blog" or as I like to call it MY FALL FROM PRODUCTIVITY! It was all down hill from there. One blog leads you to look at another and soon I had a whole laundry list of girls I was reading every morning with my cup of coffee. One day I was reading a blog about a new online fashion community that was still in a Beta testing phase called "Chictopia" - for fun I requested to become a member and next thing I knew I was posting outfits! At first it was super stressful! The pressure!! To wear an outfit that all these girls will approve of!! For a long time none of my outfits were receiving any kind of applause until I hit a point and thought, "why do I care what a bunch of strangers think? just wear what you like..." - once that happened I noticed that people were responding more to what I was wearing. Which of course was GREAT! Who doesn't like attention? It was at that point that I decided that maybe I was too old for Chictopia. I asked myself "what do I want to accomplish here?" by blogging outfits (which is pretty silly when I think about it). Ultimately I wanted to use it as a tool to evolve my personal style. I wanted a place where I could document daily and then look back over time and evaluate.. or judge or whatever how I was dressing and see where I could improve, what worked, what didn't work... blah blah. I'm feeling a new level of frustration with my blog... and I think with "style" in general.
2. My favorite thing to do (on a sunny day) is to get a coffee and walk around Haight St or Union Sq. Clearly I LOVE clothes and being able to pop in and out of shops while people watching is my absolute favorite thing. On a rainy day I love to get under some blankets, pig out on Thai food and ice-cream, and watch movies aaaallllll day loooooong. Bonus points of my boyfriend will hold still long enough to cuddle with me.
3. Favorite guilty pleasure... dressing up just to prance around the house!! Maybe eat ice-cream in a party dress, or put on fancy heels to do the dishes. Why not?
4. ZOMBIES!!! BWAIIINNNSSS!!! I used to spend long periods of time talking with one of my best friends about what we would do should the undead start to take over. Haha!! Soooo, basically I would find a way to block off the stairs on both sides of my house. Luckily we live on the second floor. If something should have happened to my upstairs neighbor I would secure that location as well. Fill all the sinks, tubs, & large buckets and mixing bowls with WATER! Luckily I love across the street from a large grocery store AND a corner store. After securing the house we'd have to make weapons (lots of tools in the garage). Next run to the corner store and secure as much food as possible! The corner store is closer than the grocery store... safer bet. We could travel by roof top (best to avoid the streets).
5. My favorite meal to make is Black Beans & Tempeh!! One of my best friends taught me how to make it. It's Vegan and SUPER healthy... on top of that it's super tasty!!! Recipe can be found HERE!!
Your turn!!!
08 April 2010
Maeko/Mae-Mae --> Angle 07 Apr 10
Been awhile!!! Sorry.
Angle asks Mae:
- What first attracted you to the blogging world? Why did you start blogging?
- If you had a day to yourself and you could do anything at all w/o feeling guilty or like you were shirking responsibilities what would you do?
- Favorite guilty pleasure?
- Zombies are taking over the world! What do you do?
- Favorite meal to cook? Can you share the recipe?
Oh my goodness, what a question batch!
1. What first had me blogging? You know... good question!
I was always a bit more... shall we say? Voyeuristic in certain regards. Via email. I started "blogging" when I started doing "Chronicles of Mae" via email. Little chapters of life updates on a monthly to my closest friends and boys I was flirting with after meeting them one summer during church camp meeting. I was 16. So it was like, 1998? It continued into 1999. Then I started just journaling on the computer for a few years. In 2002, I started fiddling around with building my own website and I started doing daily updates I called my "Daely" update.
By the time I'd been running my website for about 6-7 months, "Blogs" aka web-logs were already starting to take off, and the software upgraded on the website host I had, so I installed a "blog" on my site late in 2003. I've been blogging since then. Between my website, and LiveJournal and Xanga. In 2005 I met Nate, and he encouraged me to buy my own domain, so I did. And he installed my website for me. I've been on www.maeko.org ever since. It was at first called "You Have My Permission to Stalk Me."
I don't really know if my voyeuristic, vain side really propeled me to start blogging, but I felt like my thoughts should be an interactive process. I would sometimes write essays and articles that needed to have input and discussion... the more traffic I got, the more I wanted to write more so that I could get more and more reaction go my thoughts.
At this point I still thought I was going to be a professional writer... so that's why I kept at it.
In 2005, my traffic was exponentially higher than it is now, but that's because I had a no-holds-barred approach to telling my story, revealing my inner secrets... an in your face assault of my details of my intimate life, a barrage of my opinions. since then, I've kind of backed off of telling people the dirty secrets and have censured myself based on my audience. I've also become a style blogger rather than just a personal blogger and story-teller. I'm still revealing myself in different ways, though.
2. I'd go drive around and take photos of local land marks and stylish people. Then I'd buy myself ice cream (even though it'll make me sick) and eat it at the lake. Maybe call my best friends and my mum and catch up on what I've missed over the last few weeks it's been since we chatted.
And more than likely, I'll end up at home watching girly flicks while blogging and catching up on my favourite bloggers' posts.
3. Guilty pleasure?
- POP MUSIC I'm embarrassed to admit I listen to: Girls Aloud (they are so damn cute and talented in singing --not dancing, sadly).
- Dance shows like "America's Best Dance Crew"--they're all Asian!
- Girly movies.
- Shoes.
- Ice cream, even though it makes me totally sick.
- Videogames.
4. OMG, zombies? I'd go to northern Canada. No one will infect the Yukon. It's too cold. LOL. Maybe invest in guns and stuff so I can protect our family. But more than likely, I'll end up getting killed eventually.
5. I love fish. And soups. They both make me feel so good.
Here is my
Link to receipe: here
---
YOUR TURN, MY LOVE!
21 March 2010
Angle ---> Mae
Dude. So I'm still officially of the opinion that someone has put a hex on me. With that said... let's divert our attention to other things.
- What first attracted you to the blogging world? Why did you start blogging?
- If you had a day to yourself and you could do anything at all w/o feeling guilty or like you were shirking responsibilities what would you do?
- Favorite guilty pleasure?
- Zombies are taking over the world! What do you do?
- Favorite meal to cook? Can you share the recipe?
20 March 2010
Speaking of Background Sounds
It's a lazy Saturday, and I'm sitting here in front of the TV, not actually watching, doing some work... and really? it reminded me of that little "conversation" we had about background sounds in the house.
N is out running errands, and I'm working on incredibly late wedding thank yous. It's nice having a moment to myself. But I still need to fill the hours with sound.
N is out running errands, and I'm working on incredibly late wedding thank yous. It's nice having a moment to myself. But I still need to fill the hours with sound.
19 March 2010
Maeko/Mae-Mae --> Angle
I'm having a day today. You know, the kind of day where you wake up, praying to the Universe--whether you believe in a God or not--that the day just goes well, because the rest of the week just has been one emotional turbulence after another? One of those days.
My immediate response to having a shit-tastic morning was to write my best friends Trixie (alias) and Jazz (also an alias) an email, and then a blog post to tell you about it.
But now that I'm writing you, I don't feel like whining about stupid people who drop last minute projects on my desk, expecting me to deliver it in a minute or two. It just seems so trivial, even though my emotions are still heated. I mean, I'm a bit steamed... I felt like just, writing my friends, to let it all out. But now, I don't feel like talking about it. I'm so silly.
---
Whew! Your turn!
My immediate response to having a shit-tastic morning was to write my best friends Trixie (alias) and Jazz (also an alias) an email, and then a blog post to tell you about it.
But now that I'm writing you, I don't feel like whining about stupid people who drop last minute projects on my desk, expecting me to deliver it in a minute or two. It just seems so trivial, even though my emotions are still heated. I mean, I'm a bit steamed... I felt like just, writing my friends, to let it all out. But now, I don't feel like talking about it. I'm so silly.
---
- Favourite smells: Unlike you, I'm not as auditory or olfactory oriented. I think I'm a visual person... But I must say, my favourite smells are our sheets freshly out of the laundry. The smell of N's favourite love-worn (from wear!) sweatshirt after he's worn it. Gardenia's. Freshly baked pastries and croissants. Vegetarian (Morningstar Farms) sausage patties as they crisp up. Did you know you can put them in the toaster instead of microwaving them or cooking them in a pan? So good.
- Color: I have never seen a color that ever brought me back to certain memories. I've always read about it, or even heard stories.
For example, there was this time when I was in college, there was this dude in the Ministry/Seminary/Religious Studies program who date raped this delightfully vivacious girl I was friends with... months later she had broken all form of communication with him and his friends, and one day she was walking down the street and she saw something on the ground--a coin, I think--and she stooped to pick it up, and she saw the colour of her nails, a minty, metallic green, and she immediately felt anger bubbling up in her, and she was so, so filled with rage, that she punched the ground instead of picking up the coin, injuring her hand. She later told me she realized that the nail lacquer was the same colour of the boy's car, and it must've recalled scenes from when he hurt her.
I have never had such a lucid connection or memory from just looking at a colour or print or pattern, but I am strongly drawn to colors. - On that note: I think a bright, but earthy jade-ish/lime-ish (or a cross between, like a dark, dark chartreuse) and teal and royal blue and red are refreshing and empowering colours. I'm wearing teal eyeshadow today, and that limey, jade-y green. I'm not rocking red lips today, but if I feel like shit, I often pull out the red lipstain I always carry in my purse, and fill in my lips with a layer of it.
Red lips require confidence and an internal ferocity because the shade elicits so much attention. Not for the faint of heart... so I wear it when I'm feeling less than optimal, because then it demands I start to at least act confident. Fierce mouth, chin up, stiff upper lip, carry on.
I also like purples or yellows lately, but I hardly ever have anything in my wardrobe of either color. Like you, I have an array of white, grey, black, and blue shades in my arsenal... But I'm not much of a neutral lover. I always try to have a pop of colour, because I feel some of the colour's energy and verve and vim will somehow absorb into me. - The worst job I ever had? I'd say this one but then again I've never been 100% happy at any I've ever had. In high school, when I was a sophomore, one of my many jobs on my K-12 campus was janitorial squad. We cleaned the elementary bathrooms--public washrooms, and classroom loos. There was this one day that a kid decided to have explosive, atomic poo in the urinal, and no one else wanted to clean it, and being the smallest out of the five of us, I was naturally bullied into cleaning it. It was probably the worst thing I'd ever seen as a kid, and probably one of the worst things I'd had to smell until recently.
My 45lb terrier often eats things that make him sick. He has a very tender digestive system. About a month or more ago, his food or something made him very, very sick. I made sure to take him for a long walk and make sure he was drained of any fluids and solids before I went out to meet my blogger pals in Detroit. I came home about midnight to find a 1 foot puddle and a 2 foot waterfall stain of chunky, projectile poo... That was probably worse than cleaning up an 8 year old's diarrhea out of a urinal. I probably won't blink at much now, unless I get poo on my face.
I also worked in a doctor's office that mainly catered to trans-gender people, or people who wanted to become trans-gender or change gender... and the doctor there had the worst case of bi-polarity I've ever, ever experienced in my life. One day he loved me, the next day I was fired. I was a file clerk. All I had to do was file patient charts back in the stacks at the end of the day after school.
One day a stack of patient charts went missing. The Doctor blamed me, and fired me on the spot, even though I hadn't even come into work yet that day. We all knew it was the chubby front desk admin girl who snacked too much, and gossiped with the patients more than doing her job... she had likely left out the stack at the end of the day where she sometimes did during the day, instead of putting them in the "to file" bin which was locked at night... it was likely that it was knocked over into the trash when someone was walking by (it'd happened before, but they caught it), and then they got discarded by the janitorial staff.
I'd only been working there a month. Apparently, he said some very nasty things about me. I don't think he was on enough lithium. - There has never been a defining, mortifying moment in my life in recent memory that particularly stands out. I was humiliated and picked on a lot in elementary school and so I always had some emotional/insecurity issues, though.
I remember, as a kid, I hated being put on the spot... or people seeing when I made a mistake I couldn't recover from. Every few months, we would have a piano recital. It was always a big deal. Food/drink, performances in our Sunday Best... well, I remember one particularly humiliating performance in which I got to the middle of my piece and I couldn't remember a whole section of it to get to the next section... I kept stumbling, terribly, I started crying and stopped... and it was only with a lot of cajoling from my friends and my mum that I tried my best to haltingly finish. I kind of flubbed it really badly until I got to a part I remembered and I finished the piece. And although the people clapped for me, I still felt awful. My face burned, my palms were soaking and clammy. I ran to the bathroom where I bawled my eyes out, humiliated and ashamed. My best friend came in and cried with me.
I'm not even sure I've had a moment that's ever rivaled that moment. I think I was 11 or 12. I continued piano lessons until I was fourteen, and then I quit.
I have pretty much lost most of my piano skill since then. Sad, really.
Whew! Your turn!
18 March 2010
Angle ----> Mae
I really feel you on the time change! I can't fall asleep and I CAN'T wake up!! Coffee is my ultimate ally during such sleep deprived times.
Mae asks:
Angle says:
Phew... those were some hard ones!! Your turn to answer!
Mae asks:
- You asked me what sounds are my favourite? Well, what are your favourite smells? Why?
- Do you ever find that colors can transport you to specific memories? If so, name some examples.
- On that note, what's your favorite color? Do you find that it gives you different energy when you wear it/them?
- What is the worst job you ever had?
- Name a time when you were most mortified, and how you dealt with it.
Angle says:
- I love the smell of coffee brewing while I'm just waking up in the morning. It's such a huge incentive to get my lazy bum out of bed!! Which makes me realise I should be making coffee at home and setting the timer to wake me up with wonderful COFFEE!! The smell after it rains always me pretty happy, once the sun is out and everything looks cleaner... a little fresher... and that smell is so envigorating for me!
- Colors connected to moments. You know visual stuff doesn't trigger me the same way a smell does. But if I think really hard on it I can come up with maybe a moment or two. The color peach (pinkish organge) always reminds me of this really terrible sweater I loved in High School. It was a simple vintage v-neck sweater that was a little too tight on me. In my photo album I have a couple of pictures where I'm wearing it back to these baggy patched up hippy jeans I borrowed from my best friend at the time. She was so beautiful that everything she wore looked amazing. I used to borrow her clothes in the hopes that I would suddenly be a stunning as her. When I look at those pictures now it's a good reminder that you shouldn't buy things that look good on other people. There's a pretty good chance that what works on their body won't work on yours!
- I've mentioned before on my other blog my feelings on color. Mostly I'm afraid of them!! I'm never feeling quite myself if I'm wearing too much of it. I try to infuse the few colors I do like where I can. In terms of actual color I'm willing to wear: teal, (pops) of red, (small hints of) neon yellow or pink, and A LOT of orange. My boyfriend says I like orange because it's a neutral color... in his eyes it almost doesn't count. Now. If you want to know what "colors" I feel my best in I would say any combination of: grey, ivory, beige, camel, black, navy. In the eyes of color lovers EVERYWHERE what I listed are NOT colors. But for me I feel the most put together and the most myself when wearing said non-colors.
- Worst job. I consider almost every job I had up until my current position to be their own form of terrible. I could go on and on about all the "interesting" situations I've been in. BUT by far the worst job I ever had was working as a waitress in Sacramento during my college years. Why? The whole job was set up to fail. It was a restaruant inside a hotel. Brand new with no formal plan on how to staff or serve their customers. I was DESPERATE for a job at the time. I mean really hard up. At the time there was simple no work ANYWHERE. I even applied to Burger King and then promptly cried when they hired me on the spot (I didn't take the job, rather said I had to think about it and then ran from the building). Short of working a deep frier I was willing to do almost anything. Two of my friends even suggested stripping when I became beyond desperate. I didn't do that either. When the waitress job became available I went in told a white lie that I had years of waitressing experience. Which is partially true. I had worked food service in the past (Deli, Coffee Shop, Banquet Server) so I figured it couldn't be that hard. Truth be told the job was pretty easy in theory. Had they hired at least ONE OTHER waitress I would have been 100X happier. But they didn't. So, I was the only morning waitress all by myself plus the cook back in the kitchen. Trouble entered the picture when they looked at my resume and say my coffee shop experience. Next thing I knew they invested in a fancy expresso machine for ME ALONE to operate. I would be working my tables and the like when next thing I knew I had an order for 10 specialty coffee drinks from the executives upstairs. Pulling shots, steaming coffee, keeping coffee orders straight on top of my tables and being the cashier became an issue. Bad enough right? THEN they decided "wouldn't it be great if we offered room service?" - sure. But did they hire another server to help me manage the restaraunt? Nope. Then I found myself taking orders, serving, busing tables (no bus boys), pulling coffee, ringing people up, and NOW taking room service orders and finally DELIVERING the room service. ALL BY MYSELF!! It was a disaster. My tips which already weren't good became non-exisitent as the customers became impatient and angry. Can't blame them really. The service was probably pretty terrible. The final straw came when we hired a new cook that couldn't cook. Her food was terrible not to mention slow to come out. All of this combined and one day my body just gave up. While trying to serve a girls soft ball team I felt myself getting weird cold sweats. Next thing I knew my face started to feel like a mask of pain. The sensation was almost like I could take off the mask and the pain would be gone. A relative had to come pick me up and take me to the emergency room where I was told that my face had broken out into hives but they could find no reason for it. I was given antibiotics and told to rest for a couple of days before returning to work. At that point I just quit my job and decided that I needed to move back home to my Mother's house where I wouldn't have to work full time to make ends meet while going to school. I have never again worked food service to this day.
- I battle issues of insecurity and shame quite a bit so in that way I feel mortified rather easily. MOST mortified is a hard one to pin down. I would have to say getting caught in a lie is probably the worst feeling for me. I try not to lie if possible but hey, nobody is perfect! Once my roommates girlfriend (she sorta moved in with him/us) was having some of her friends over for a girls night. I was invited I'm guessing because I lived there. I didn't know her friends that well but they seemed nice enough. After many blender made mix-drinks there was a heated conversation over a CD (I'm pretty sure it was a CD... gets a little fuzzy here). Apparently one girl was accusing the other of borrowing said CD and never returning it. My roommates girlfriend was the accuser. On the side she told me all about how it really was her CD but that her friend is always stealing from her. Soo... I thought, "I can do something about this for her! I can right this wrong!" - so while everyone was in the kitchen I took the CD in question and put in in my roommates gf's purse. I had totally forgotten about it until about 2 hours later the friend started freaking out and yelling about how someone stole the CD from her. I felt my tummy go splat and got the shakes. I had to come clean to what I did in front of an entire group of girls I didn't really know. Not my best moment even though my intentions were good.
Phew... those were some hard ones!! Your turn to answer!
Mae-Mae ---> LeTrix
I'm so tired today I'm loopy and hyper, which is kind of counter-intuitive, since you would think one would be kind of slagging rather than loopy if she were exhausted, which I am.
Why is it that this time change really just bugs me out? I got almost a normal night of sleep last night. I fell asleep before 1AM! That is a monumental accomplishment for me! I NEVER sleep before 1AM. But yet, this morning, I couldn't drag myself out of bed before 8:30. Uhhhh, bad idea. I need to be at work at 8?
I'm taking a working lunch today. But I'll combine my afternoon breaks to race home to let the dog out and pack myself a lunch to take back to the office.
Le Sigh.
How're you today?
My turn to ask the questions now:
Why is it that this time change really just bugs me out? I got almost a normal night of sleep last night. I fell asleep before 1AM! That is a monumental accomplishment for me! I NEVER sleep before 1AM. But yet, this morning, I couldn't drag myself out of bed before 8:30. Uhhhh, bad idea. I need to be at work at 8?
I'm taking a working lunch today. But I'll combine my afternoon breaks to race home to let the dog out and pack myself a lunch to take back to the office.
Le Sigh.
How're you today?
My turn to ask the questions now:
- You asked me what sounds are my favourite? Well, what are your favourite smells? Why?
- Do you ever find that colors can transport you to specific memories? If so, name some examples.
- On that note, what's your favorite color? Do you find that it gives you different energy when you wear it/them?
- What is the worst job you ever had?
- Name a time when you were most mortified, and how you dealt with it.
17 March 2010
03.16.10: Maeko-Mae-Mae --> Le Trix
Le Trix: response to own questions
- When you're feeling bummed for no reason (OR EVERY REASON!!) what tricks do you use to pick yourself back up?
- What is your favorite sound & why?
- What item of clothing in your closet always makes you feel great about yourself when you put it on?
- Go to karaoke song? If you don't have one which song might you consider of all sanity left your body ;)
- A place you've never gone but have always wanted to visit?
I have a lot of time on my hands today...
1. My number one favorite thing to do when I was blue was online shop or simply SHOP in general. I'm learning what an unhealthy tool this has been for me. Buying new items was the momentary rush I needed to feel better but it was never long lasting enough. Plus, there is the guilt that follows spending money which would bring me right back down again. NOW I'm learning to do other things. I find going for a walk lifts usually lifts my mood. Probably a combination of the movement and the distractions all around. When I'm out walking I do something you might think is silly.... but I like to close my eyes (when I'm alone-ish) and listen... and feel. If there is sun on my face I try to feel the warmth... listening to the sounds around me... looking for a moment where I feel close to everything again vs. apart from everything.
2. Favorite sound. Well, I have to say I love it when my dog falls asleep and starts dreaming. Magic happens where he BARKS IN HIS SLEEP! It makes a weird sound because he's barking but his mouth is closed so it sounds like a series of bleeps and gurgles. It's pretty cute. My other favorite sound is rain on the roof and windows... bonus if I'm cuddled up under some blankets with my boyfriend.
3. First and foremost I have major issues with my body. So clothing is my number one attack point for hiding said issues. An oversized denim shirt over skinny black jeans always makes me feel comfortable and still ... cute? It's been said that I don't wear skirts or dresses enough, and this is probably true. I just really prefer a pair of jeans... take that! Something not in my closet that makes me feel better can be found in my make-up case. I LOVE false eyelashes. Nothing makes me feel like an actual girl than looooong fluttering eyelashes! For daytime I use individual lashes just on the end of my lashline. For going out at night (when I have the energy or when I even go out!) I like to use longer (but not fake long) stips (faster than applying a ton of individuals).
4. I have a TERRIBLE Karaoke voice. Just horrible. Have you ever seen that rom-com with Cameron Diaz & Julia Robers? I think it's called "My Best Friends Wedding"? There is a scene where Ms Roberts tricks a very preppy Ms Diaz into singing at a karaoke bar and it sounds something like a cat drowning in a bubble bath. That's what I sound like. BUT! With that said I really like private room Karaoke with my friends. Go to songs are:
"Dancing with Myself" - Billy Idol
"Kiss" - Prince
"Hit Me Baby One More Time" - Britney Spears
5. There is a very long list of places I would like to see. My goal was always to get out of the Country more but there are also so many great places RIGHT HERE in the US that I want to visit. This summer I'm crossing Atlanta, GA off my list. I'm going to visit one of my dearest friends for a week. It will be heaven! All I want to do is drink coffee, eat foods, and be around my friend Christina! I miss her energy so much. If it wasn't for meeting her I think my life in SF would have been dismal those two years.
Out of the country I would like to visit Japan (under the supervision of my boyfriend) & Thailand.
Phew!! Your turn for questions! Pretty fun so far!
xoA
Never on time in my life.
Was just reading through your blogger profile. I'm never, ever on time, either.
IN MY LIFE.
Okay, well, maybe sometimes, but never on a regular basis.
We're like made to be best friends or something. :P
IN MY LIFE.
Okay, well, maybe sometimes, but never on a regular basis.
We're like made to be best friends or something. :P
03.16.10: Le Trix --> Maeko-Mae-Mae
Le Trix wrote:
Maeko/Mae-mae says:
Hmmmm... Gotta think.
YOUR TURN!
I'll write you a few more questions once I think of some!
- When you're feeling bummed for no reason (OR EVERY REASON!!) what tricks do you use to pick yourself back up?
- What is your favorite sound & why?
- What item of clothing in your closet always makes you feel great about yourself when you put it on?
- Go to karaoke song? If you don't have one which song might you consider of all sanity left your body ;)
- A place you've never gone but have always wanted to visit?
Maeko/Mae-mae says:
Hmmmm... Gotta think.
- When I'm feeling shit-tay, what do I do to make myself feel better? Hmm. I just don't know.
Sometimes, I'll turn to make up. Experiment with a new look, or buy a make up treatment that will fix something about my face I hate. Or I'll buy myself low-fat ice cream and a tub of Trader Joe's dunkers cookies and watch a bunch of girly TV and paint my nails.
Lately, I've been obsessively watching Being Erica, which airs on Soap Net, Hulu and CBC (it's a Toronto TV show). Everything about Erica's life (other than being 32 and unmarried) reminds me of my life. I think you might like the show... It's really fun. She time travels! It's a sci-fi girly show! Without all the space stuff.
I also read a book or cook something yummilicious. - What is my favourite sound? Why did you have to choose such a TOUGH ONE!
I used to love the sound of the ocean. Something very calming about it. But now, I like silence. Or a quiet house with a bit of TV in the background. It means I'm home, where I can drop all my masks or facades. Where the people I love love me back without agency and I can stop feeling like I need to protect myself, drop some act of being perfect and bubbly and happy all the time. Plus, it's where I can play with my Bear Dog and snuggle with Husby. If the house didn't have their noises or sounds, it would be an empty, empty world, bereft of happiness (for me). - I honestly don't think there is anything in my closet that 100% makes me feel great about myself when I put it on. I usually feel that way about my favourite necklace from France (it's handmade by French artisans with crystals and handblown glass and gold), or deep red lipstick.
Well, and lately my yellow Melissa + Vivienne Westwood shoes make me smile a lot. Does that count? - KARAOKE! THERE ARE SO MANY. I used to compile top ten lists of songs, but I can honestly say right now that I don't have a favourite that blows all other favourites out of the water. No soul-folding, heart-wrenching 100% perfect song.
- For Happy: "Sister Kate" by the Dittybops. This song never fails to make me want to dance or sing along. Also, "Golden Slumbers" by the Beatles, sung by Ringo Starr. His voice really shines on this, and I dream of singing this to my kids one day.
- For Love: "I will" by the Beatles. I wanted to sing this song to N when we got married. But I didn't want it to be the Maeko Show.
- For sadness: "The Long and Winding Road" by the Beatles, and "Little Bird" by the Weepies.
- For moving on and letting go and learning to live: "It is Well With My Soul" - A Christian Hymn.
- Places in the world I want to visit! OH MAN!
- Honeymoon: JAPAN (Okinawa, Hokkaido and Tokyo... Japan's Hawaii and Alaska, and of course, the city.)
- Peru - Machu Pichu!
- N wants to go to Patagonia in Chile. I could do that...
- Tibet and Nepal and Bhutan--because Bhutan has "Gross National Happiness." Who wouldn't want to go there?
- Iceland (Honeymoon idea #2). Google their blue lagoon healing properties. POW. Amazing.
- Cambodia's Angkor Wat
YOUR TURN!
I'll write you a few more questions once I think of some!
Coffee, Tea, or ME!
There is nothing better than when a little chat turns into reality! I'm super excited to have a place to talk, complain, laugh, cry, share and more importantly.... drink coffee with an online friend!!
Here is what I look like most mornings, sipping my coffee. Although... looking at this picture it kinda looks like I'm nursing my coffee!! Well, that's probably a more accurate description anyway.
Let's chat.
xoA
Here is what I look like most mornings, sipping my coffee. Although... looking at this picture it kinda looks like I'm nursing my coffee!! Well, that's probably a more accurate description anyway.
Let's chat.
xoA
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