MaeMae -> Angle

I'm having a super bad day. All I can think of is going home. So I only have one question for you, and you can be as honest or as vague as you want. Because honestly, I ask this question of myself, and I feel like I could go on and on about it.

But let's get the casual ones out of the way:

• Do you remember your first kiss? what do you remember about it?
• What's the most unusual thing you snack on?
• If you could change places with anyone, who would it be?
• What is your favourite videogame, and why?

Serious side:
Are you happy?

The reason I ask is because, well, I feel like there is so much wrong with me right now, which is weird, because my entire life outside of my job is great. But when I'm here, I'm immensely unhappy. It's like this stupid place I am for 9 hours of my day manages to skew and make the rest of my life feel so awry, so wrought with pain and wrongness. I hate it here, A, I really do. I hate everything about this place. I feel like it sucks my soul.

And I'm stuck in the state with the worst unemployment rate, so I'm not likely to find a job in an industry I want that pays well enough for me to stay afloat. Ironically, the measly wages I'm earning seem to be considered pretty good for Michigan, which makes me even more miserable about this god-forsaken, but beautiful state.

I mean, I like it here enough, but sometimes there are just so many things about living here (not the place, or the people or the FOOD) that make me want to get up and leave. I feel trapped. And naturally, I project onto my surroundings. But the job and education market here are fucking awful, and what woman in her right mind would believe that those lack of positive markets for shaping young minds would be a good environment to bring a family up in, even if her in-laws are here?

That's another thing, I've been away from my family and best friends for five years, and I hardly ever see them in a year. If I'm lucky, I get to see my best friend maybe once or twice every two years? It's hardly fair. And every time I see my parents I miss them more and more. I understand parents being jealous parents, like God/Universe is a "jealous God", and they want their children and potential grand children to be around them all the time, but that's hardly fair, and completely selfish, which then guilts my husband and I. How is that fair? You want to tell us not to move away and limit our goals and dreams because you want us around you all the time? And what about my parents? Sure, they're used to me being away, but the older and older I get, the more I want to be around them, and lately my heart has been hurting for my best friends and my family.

So you're going to tell us not to move to NY where there is a great opportunity because it's "too far away"? Ugh. We eventually came to the conclusion that moving to NY wasn't as great an opportunity anyway, and we stayed here in MI, but still, your first instinct is to tell us not to leave primarily not because it wasn't a wise decision, but because the distance was to great? The job was only a second issue? It made me mad. I can understand it--we're your kids, but still, it's hardly a selfless kind of loving instinct.

I love my in-law family. They love us so much they want us to be around them all the time. But that's not always the best for us. And I wish they will learn that sooner than later. We would like to move to Honolulu by our two year anniversary next year (August). I mean, their parents left their respective homes: N's grandmother is from England, his grandfather is from Canada, and they both left those homes to make a new life in the New World. Think about what wouldn't have happened had they not left their childhood homes? N wouldn't have been born. And N's other grandmother migrated here from the Philippines. N's father wouldn't have been born here and met N's mum.

None of this family would have happened, and I'd probably be still some some politically, ecologically, emotionally, socially apathetic Southern California twat, because That Man didn't come puncture my little bubble and wake me up from my mental fog. I may still be that geographically limited person, never having set foot farther east of Las Vegas, farther west of LA and such. I would never have gone to Europe because I had the most romantic man to help make a trip like that happen for me, or even inspire me to go there. I never would've been to Hawaii without the help of my parents, which means, when I traveled there, it would've been with my family, which would have dramatically affected how much I loved the place. (Traveling in the same vehicle and staying in the same lodging as they drives me absolutely mad--in more ways than one!) I wouldn't have been as motivated to finish college as I did (9 years!), or start paying my bills. I wouldn't have learned to care for another living creature (my dog), because I had no idea that dogs could have souls, and I wouldn't have learned it if I didn't see the example N set for treating and communicating with dogs...

This is all moot to philosophize, but I guess I was just trying to get a point across.

I'm ranting.

Second serious question:
Do you ever get annoyed by people who criticise your clothing?

I waved and smiled at someone today who was walking toward me, and I asked her, "How are you doing?"

And then she looked me up and down, and then said, full of bile, "Those are ridiculous shoes! How do you walk in those things!", and continued walking away.

"They're not ridiculous. They're awesome." And I walked away confidently.

I am wearing my Dolce Vita Aprils.

First of all, my shoes are fucking brilliant, and you're ugly. Which, of course, I didn't say. But it's like, what room do you have to be all fucking spiteful at me when I said a cheerful hello at you, and asked you how are you, and then you criticise my shoes when you look like you flew here on a broom from a Moroccan garage sale where you got all your crappy clothes and forgot to buy a hair brush. That's just not right.

Even if you're going through something, the rules of social interaction stipulate that you return a courtesy greeting if you're not super good friends. The normal verbal volleyball of "Hello, how are you", "Fine, thanks, and you?". That is social convention. I didn't ask you how your day is going and then invite you to cry on my shoulder. Because I like to keep my shoulder clean.

But if I'm going to be nice, the least you can fucking do is fake being nice back.

Now I'm not going to be nice anymore. I've had a bad day, and if you're a bitch, I won't hold back.

Okay, I'm sorry. I just had to get that out.