- Do you remember your first kiss? what do you remember about it?
- What's the most unusual thing you snack on?
- If you could change places with anyone, who would it be?
- What is your favourite videogame, and why?
1. My first kiss. HeCK YES I remember!! My first "real" kiss was in the 6th grade (I'm sure I had some kind of kiss when I was a lot younger... but nothing that leaves a mark). For some reason the most popular boy in school had asked me to "go steady" - it didn't make any sense to me at the time. Sure, I hung out with the popular crowd (by default really, I was never truly accepted) but previous to me he had been dating the most beautiful and popular girl in school. I wasn't about to turn him down so of course I accepted to be his girlfriend. On our first day as boyfriend and girlfriend we went to the park after school. I lived in a small town, the park was a popular place for teenaged groping and central to where everyone lived. We went behind a tree and ... he went in for a kiss. I can tell you now that what I felt was total TERROR!! I had never kissed anyone let alone had a boyfriend. Plus there was so much pressure to be "good" at kissing considering my partner was the cutest and most popular boy our age in town. Not only did he want to kiss but he wanted to FRENCH!! I had been informed that Lance (his name) had dated an "older girl" the summer before and she taught him how to kiss "right". Oh goodness... the horror of it all. I did my best ... but didn't enjoy even a single moment of it because I was so nervous. Like most romances at that age I think we went steady for maybe two weeks? Then had a very dramatic public break-up.
2. Unusual snacks?? Hmmm... I sometimes think I eat like a bachelor. If I'm hungry I'll just grab something out of the fridge, slap it together and call it a meal. Last night I pulled out a jar of pickles and went to town while cooking my actual dinner. The day before that I microwaved a corn tortilla with a slice of cheese and then rolled it up and snacked while doing things around the house. I don't think these things are unusual ... more like lazy!
3. Wow... change places. I have worked really hard to get to a place where I don't think about things like this. I grew up in a very rough environment. My parents were divorced and often neither of them was around for different reasons. I grew up spending a lot of time by myself which lead me to be pretty socially awkward growing up. Add all that to the fact that growing up I was also made fun of quite a bit by boys for being "ugly" or my favorite a "dog". This probably seems to contradict my earlier story about dating a popular boy in the 6th grade... but like I said... EVEN I wasn't sure back then what that was really about. I've always suffered from a pretty good case of low self-esteem as well... which meant that all my life I wanted to be someone else!! In the past couple of years (with the help of therapy) I have been working on liking and hopefully loving myself as I am. If I'm being honest with you here I will admit that I have a lot of fantasies about switching places with someone rich. I don't have a specific person in mind. But for as long as I can remember I have been poor. I've worked very hard to get to a place where I can comfortably support myself but I know I will never be exceptionally wealthy.
4. Favorite video game!! Ok. Well, I LOVE to watch video games but I can't seem to play them myself. I don't have the reflexes! My favorite game to watch last year was BioShock! So scary and fun!! I pretty like anything that is horror related with pretty graphics. I'm NOT a fan of war type games. There is no story there and often I get really bored and wonder off to nap or read. I was excited to see that BioShock2 is out... but since my boyfriend is in school he doesn't have time to play ANY games. Poo...
Oh-kay... now the big ones!!
First serious question:
Are you happy?
Am I happy?
That one kinda smacked me in the face... mostly because I've been thinking about it a lot. By nature I tend to be someone that can only see where I'm failing vs. where I'm succeeding. For all of my late-teens to mid to late twenties I was so scared of failing in terms of my career. Mostly I was afraid I would never have one.
I didn't grow up with much of a scholastic drive. I was more concerned with growing up so I could get away from my family life. School and education felt like something I HAD to do ... but I wasn't good at it. I tried college twice and both times decided I was better off working full time vs. working part time and going to school part time (which felt like a never ending road to nowhere). Back then I would think about my future and it just looked like a black hole... I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. That lack of knowing or how to get there scared the hell out of me! I didn't want to end up being a waitress for my whole life like my mom. So... I did things one day at a time... one step at a time. Sort of like feeling around in the dark for clues... and letting the fear drive me forward. Because I didn't do well in school I knew I would have to work my way up from the bottom no matter where I went. I think this sort of mentality is what helped me in my 20's and what can eventually hurt others in the same position. I've met a lot of kids that think they're too good to start small and work their way up.
Now that I have a job that I love and am proud of I feel my attention turned toward what the next step in my future is. I'm taking a good hard look at what is lacking in my life. What I saw was that I wanted to settle down and start a family of my own. Before I could do that I asked myself what things I needed to change in order to put my best foot forward on the next leg of my journey.
- Fix my credit - I ruined my credit with some help from my family. In my youth I didn't get how important a good credit score really is!!! So scary!!
- Get in shape, build physical strength - I've never been fit... EVER!! I'm ermm.... low energy? Ok, fine.... I'm LAZY!!!
- Built emotional and mental strength - I struggle with codependency and depression... good times.
- SAVE MONEY!!! - save save save!! have a rainy day fund NOT STUFF!!! This has been hard for me.
Even though we both have our faults and have A LOT of personal work to do, I really really feel an emptiness in terms of the lack of moving forward towards marriage and family. I want to work on these things with my boyfriend and set goals for our future together.... or.... we have to move on from this relationship.
So... phew. Am I happy? The answer is ... sometimes? That's a total cop-out. I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!
Acutally, Mae... your asking me this question really really made me think. I haven't answered this blog yest because I've been working myself up for... what's next and MAKING MY OWN happiness!! Believe it or not I told my boyfriend that we need to sit down and talk about our future together (if there is one). Really fucking scary. Could be that this conversation ends the relationship OR it finally puts my mind at ease knowing that WE ARE moving forward. If it doesn't work out ... well then.... I know.
In the wise words of GI Joe ... "knowing is half the battle."
Mae - I know you're frustrated with your work situation. All I can say is "this too shall pass"! You and your husband are working hard to reach your goal of moving to Hawaii... yes... it sucks right now. But you will MAKE IT HAPPEN! I honestly hope that you guys won't let his family keep you in a city where neither of you are happy. You're right... it's so selfish! The only thing I've learned in this life is that you really have to TAKE RISKS to move forward sometimes.
Second serious question:
Do you ever get annoyed by people who criticise your clothing?
I had to tell my co-worker the story about your shoes!! That's too much!!!
Yes!! I do get annoyed when people try to give me advice or critique my outfit. I can't think of the last time anyone said something rude TO MY FACE!! There was one time where a critique woke me up from an outfit slump. My co-worker made a comment something like, "Angel is wearing her signature outfit! Vintage top, jeans, boots." - He was RIGHT!!! I hated him for saying it, but it did force me to shake it up.
Phew... now I have to clear my head and post some questions for you!!
xoxxooxoxangel
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